- Everyone that lives in B.C. knows the image above. Quite obviously the Johnson Street Bridge in it's last days, just before it was shutdown and to be dismantled for good. Of course, and it is hard to see, the new bridge in all of it's splendor...close behind and still hidden to the masses completely until it's opening that was about two weeks after this shot was taken.
There has been much progress since yet this post is not about the bridges, moreover it's about what these two structures represent. The old and the new, yes. Yet the broken down and weary as compared to the rebuilding of an idea that once was. This is about recreation of one's soul from the inside out. Taking an individual that has been theoretically and literally beaten to their core for so very many years, to the point of having given up, and turning that around into a person that now and once again indeed does have a zest for life. A need to be, and a need to give love rather than simply defeat ones-self day after day for no other reason than the thought 'no one cared,' no one wanted anything to do with the individual. More so- whom the individual had become through no one else's stupidity and inability to love, but his own. Sad really, and I certainly was.
So yes, of course this post is about me and my continuing journey of sobriety. The re-creation of someone that once was so much more until the booze took a presence and a very strong presence when all was said and done. The foothold it had on my life- enormous, and the difficult decisions now being conducted by the addiction alone and nothing more. I had lost all control over my own abilities to regulate even the smallest thing in my life, all was controlled around the booze in every respect. Whatever I did, the alcohol had to be front and centre even though I did my very best to hide and disguise this from the rest of the world. Apparently I sucked at this. Who knew?
There does come a time in every addicts life where they have a sense of clarity, if only for a very short time, a sense that they need to sober up. Some accomplish this with no issues whatsoever, yet those are a only a select few. Most will continue to struggle for years on end and most will never finish what they start as the draw of that addiction is just so very strong. It is easier to give up and continue on the path that has been the majority of our adult lives. Most do unfortunately succumb to the disease.
The photo to the right is a window dressing I found at Uptown mall. At first all I saw was a wall with dried flowers attached to it as this display was quite large, then I came upon this one window and it hit me. My life has become such that I can honestly say it is beautiful. Absolutely this does have to do with how each and every one of us approach our own lives. The general consensus being along the lines of 'life is hard' or even 'life is what you make it' and those would both be true- at times. We choose how it is we live our lives through our interactions with others and our own ability to create the atmosphere in which we desire our lives to proliferate.
My life at present is 'blossoming' into something beautiful. I am not always so enamored with my life but that's simply because I have come to realize that we cannot be happy all of the damn time, It just isn't even a reasonable request when you think about it. It is about our attitude towards the way we lead our lives that can and does make it a beautiful thing. It's up to the individual perspective of their own existence. I choose to be happy, I choose to be sober now that I understand I no longer need the booze to simply be me. I am a nice person yet for so very many years I honestly believed the opposite to be true. I used the booze to disguise the person I was because I did not like that person. Problem was, I didn't even know that person and it was me all along!
In keeping with the person I am now, material possessions are unimportant, the need to be adorned with such things has become a thing of the past. Once living on the streets for a time, one does have a tendency to see things in a much clearer light after realizing just what it was that brought us to that place in our lives. For me it was the booze, it was that addiction that I refused to admit for so long until it finally slapped me across the damn face and stated, 'wake the hell up buddy- you are now homeless.' It was that simple and that complicated all at the same time. I have left myself only two choices, sobriety or death....
So here I am, four years later and about to embark on the final leg of this journey. Two books published so far, a reintegration into the industry that all but consumed me for so many years but extremely carefully this time. The final leg being a return to the place I call home- in just a few days from now. Still though unsure of what's next to come I am walking into this final leg with eyes wide open- no blinders on. It is exciting and frightening all at the same time....
I must say, there were a few sleepless nights waiting to find out if I did indeed get the apartment I fell in love with as soon as I walked in the door. The waiting was brutal and if reaffirmed some of my still need to be worked on issues. That self-confidence thing still comes back and bites me on the ass from time to time, all the while when I really had nothing to worry about.
This will be my new home, and look, I even have a market in my 'basement.' right above that market, well that's the third floor garden patio and barbecue area for the residents of the building....I think I'm gonna be quite happy here. All I need now is a cat but I think I'm going to have lots of help with that....